Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Sick

Hey ^^

How are you guys?

It's been actually a good day for me. Or at least, it was until I get home and I found myself alone without anything to do. Yea, it was the perfect time for my brain to mess up.

I just... How do you forget someone? How do you move on? Like, not gradually, but quickly. I NEED to move on. I am tired of taking long period of time to move on.
I know my history, I took me 3 years to move on from my first love, then around 1 and a half year to move on from my second love, and now I'm faced with T. I'm simply tired. I don't like crying every night anymore. I don't like thinking of him. I don't like remembering our memories as if it was still something to smile on. I DON'T WANT TO THINK OF HIM.

I'm tired, okay? I just want to focus on X and leave this thing behind. I want to move on and live a life where I don't have to be haunted by T. I want to be free..

But maybe this is my own curse? I did say to him that I will live my life with regrets, that I don't want to forget him and I can't, and also that I will always want him. It might be happening right about now.

No, I'm not thinking of giving up, or at least not thinking of actually doing it. Well, I just want to have a free mind. Like, I want to go back to before I cheated on X with T. I want to go back to when I haven't fallen in love with T. I want to go back to before I even knew him... I want to go back to when I was that girl who was all about X..

How do I go back to being that girl?

I don't even have words for this. I'm just tired of crying, mourning, pouting, regretting, and most of all, keeping this from everyone...

Why? Because everyone is already sick of this. Sick of me. They were like, "you have to move on!"
And I was like, "what the hell made you think that it was easy?"

I just don't get it! Well, point is I give up talking to anyone. Haha. No one will understand.. So what should I do?

This empty blog is all I have and well, I keep hoping for a new friend to come by and help me out, but who wants to befriend a pathetic, pitiful, sorrowful, annoying, and noisy person? No one.

So yea bye, my lovely, loyal, and quiet blog. Cya~

-Stella-

Monday, February 9, 2015

Jealous

Hey~

How has it been, guys? Not good for me, but I hope all is good for you ^^

Yea, it has been quite a while. It might as well seem like I have started moving on or I have stopped mourning over what happened, but that's not exactly what happened..

I just simply stop myself from writing because writing makes me remember more. And if I remember more than I already do, I will definitely cry haha

I find myself avoiding certain things in my life just because it reminds me of him. I know, pitiful. But well, those are the counter measures I have to take to avoid myself from breaking..

You know, he unblocked me. My best friend, let's call her F, knew about this problem between me, T, and X. She also knew about the problem between T and N and thus she said T was an asshole and a jerk. I didn't say anything to her, because I know she's pissed off with him lol and I really didn't want to mess with her in my state. I was too wrecked to have another broken relationship.

But well, things goes and blablabla, and suddenly F said that she wanted to get revenge on T. She said that she wanted to make T fell in love with her and then she would dump him in the harshest way possible. Still, I didn't say anything because I thought that if I saw T fell in love with her, I would start backing down slowly and let them have their way.. But I was stupid, as always. Not realizing my own self and how easily jealous I get. I was stupid

Then days passed, they actually got closer and got really close. Like I said in my older posts, T even used the lines he used to say to me and F was really playing well lol. note: I could use F's Facebook to see their chats and that was how I knew their messages ^^

Well I gotta say, I was super jealous. I know those two and I know that sooner or later, they are gonna fall in love for real. Both of them are really great people deep down and eventhough her intentions were bad at first, I thought T's kindness would in time get her to melt and love him back. I thought it was a pretty good idea, since F is still hung up on her dead fiancée and I always want her to fall back in love with someone better. And T is certainly a great, great guy.. I thought I could handle the jealousy...

More days passed, I get even more jealous, devastated, down, and broken... I knew damn well that they can be in love for real... And finally I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to see if F was still on her plan.. I asked her if she was for real or has she fallen in love with T. I wanted to make sure.. I wanted to know because if she even felt a bit of love towards him already, I would try to back down by deleting her FB's password on my browser.. Not opening it again and then start deleting all my memories with T too..

But F was still on her plan.. In fact, she got more excited about it and about a day or two after I asked, I saw T's messages and I felt something wrong. I don't know, it felt too quick for him to be saying that stuff and it somehow seemed made up. Like, really made up. So I was worried and started re-reading his messages to F one more time.

I don't know if it was just me being stupid or was I right, but I decided that T might have figured out F's plan. And knowing that F was still on her plan, I was afraid the two of them could clash and ended up hurting each other and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to fix them back.... So I decided I couldn't talk F out of this cause I've tried and failed, and I decided to tell T about the truth and see if he knows. I sent him screenchots of F telling me her plan and the translations.

Later on that day, T replied my text and my email and said that he already knew. So my suspicions were right. I begged him to stop his plan because I couldn't persuade F to stop. (here is when he unblocked me to chat easier on Skype) Then he said that he was proud of me of telling him and thus he wanted to give me a reward, which was to choose if I want him to continue and give F a lesson or stop his plan and actually go from F's life. Of course, I chose the second one, I wanted him to stop. Then I told him not to tell F cause I didn't want her to freak out and ended up hating me.

But being the inconsiderate him, he told F. And F went into rampage and she hated me. Then I blocked T back because I was really disappointed at how he told her.. But I couldn't hold it for long lol. Only like 2 hours and I unblocked him back. But I was truly mad haha Although I couldn't actually say it cause I was more overjoyed by the fact that he didn't block me back even after I unblocked him. And after I checked, he also unblocked me in game and on FB. I was surprised and happy, of course, but it made me wonder, what is the meaning of this?

Of course, I would love to be confident and say that it's because he still loves me, but I can't. Thus I came to another idea, that he has actually moved on from me and that is why he didn't feel the need to avoid talking to me anymore.. Harsh one, I must say..

Now I'm left looking at his unblocked chat, wanting to say hi to him every time, wishing he changed his status every time, wishing he's say hi to me every time, hoping I'd see him check on my chat (because we can see it on Skype if someone's opening the chat), and wishing every time that I will wake up and see him say "good morning, honey" again because this is all just a nightmare..

Well, that's all I could handle for now.. I have lots of tasks to do and I'm way too tired to write more... I will just keep looking at his photos, imagine he's still there with me, saying all these sweet stuff and encouraging me, and my energy will be recharged~

I love you, T. I can't wait for the day I go to Japan to finally talk to you again, as I've promised.. ^^

-Stella-

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Hope

Hey

Are you reading this?

I just.. I miss you so much, you know? I can't seem to stop crying every night.. I miss you.. I  love you so much, T... I.. keep hoping this was all a dream.. Just a silly nightmare and when I wake up tomorrow, you would be on my screen, looking at me and say, "good morning, my angel" then kiss the cam...

I keep hoping every time I got back from school that I would see a Skype notification on my phone and I would see your name in it..

I keep hoping every time I get online that I would see that "You have acquired status." notification and I would see you next to me... Then I would see my couple's chat and see you say, "welcome back, honey"

I keep hoping this is just a nightmare.... I keep wishing I can still see you every day, every night, every time....

You know, I twisted my ankle again this morning.. haha I know, how clumsy and careless of me. But you were the first person I thought about.. I immediately thought, "ah, I bet's he's gonna tease me about being clumsy and then say that he would carry me around if he was here"... haha and then it struck me. You won't.
You're just not here anymore... And I... I just couldnt...

Seriously, are you reading this..?

If you are, then you would probably have known how much of a coward I am. Not having the courage to say all this to you and posting it here instead. But yes, I am that cowardly.

I know damn well my feelings for X will never be the same. I just, don't feel that way anymore.. And I know that my feelings for you is a lot bigger, a lot stronger, and real... But I still won't come clean to you or X to say it... WHY?!

I don't know...

Hey, why weren't you online this whole day? Are you sick? I hope you're not.. I sure don't want to see you sick.. I'm worried ^^ But well, I can't really figure out now, can I? I can only pray and hope and wait for tomorrow to see if you're back online..

I'm sorry.. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for lying to you.. I'm sorry for choosing X.. I'm sorry for not being truthful to myself... I'm sorry for not being me again... I'm sorry for not saying this directly to you.... But.. I..

I'm sorry, T...

I still love you.. so much it rips me apart.. So much it hurts my body, mind, and soul not to be with you... So much I keep wishing I can just die and fly to your place to protect you without letting you know... I miss you.. so much...

Please....

-Stella-

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Monster

Hey!

Been a long few days, huh? For me, though.

You know, I have been trying so hard to keep T away from my mind xD But either my way is not working, or I am just too much into him. Every time I do something unusual or something that is a complete waste of time, I would think that if I were still with T, I would be spending some quality time with him or get some of my work done early just to be with him. Which means I would be doing something that is actually meaningful. Not slacking around, spacing out, playing games, etc. But well, what can I say? A dream is just a dream..

What makes it hard is actually the fact that I still remember all the work I have to do, but I just don't have the passion to do them. It's almost as if I've lost my will to do anything XD I even lost quite a big part of my will to go to Japan. I know, it's weird. Although I know I might have a chance of getting back in touch with T when I have finally arrived at Japan, but I just can't seem to grasp that idea. Mostly because I'm scared. Scared of the future and all of the possibilities.

These days, those sudden attacks of memories are just, painful... I would suddenly stop doing something because I feel a tight feeling in my chest, I can barely breathe... Then I would feel like I just wanna disappear into thin air... Everything is just really hard to accept... Until now...

Hey... might you be reading these? lol no way though. but well, wishes are okay to make, deshou?

i've been thinking about this a lot more these days. how i would prefer to break up with X. and go back to T. but i know he doesn't want me anymore. like Ace said, first and second week are the limit. pass that limit and he will only think that you want him not because you still love him. and it's been almost a month i think. so he won't even think twice before turning me down anyway. haha

ugh... i wanna break free... i don't want to be with anyone right now... it hurts... i just want to be with T... i keep wishing he'd send me a message on skype saying "how was your day?" and stuff.. i keep opening skype on my phone out of habit... and when i open it, i saw his last message... "i will block you and remove you everywhere now so i wont be tempted to say anything to you"

...

it always slaps me right on the face, you know? like, a really hard one.

I want him back... yet i don't want to try and talk to him again... i'm scared... what if he hates me that much to say harsh things again? sentences like, "well, it's your problem now not mine xD" haha...

yes i still remember that one... i told him i need him after he divorced me in game. and that was what he answered me with. i went offline immediately. and deleted the game. haha. but well, i have an extra copy on my hard disk external, so i copied it right back when i have calmed down. haha pitiful

so desperate for love, yet so despicable even by myself. i hate it. i feel disgusted at myself after i know my old thoughts of "lying to T". i was like, "what am i? a monster?" maybe. and thankfully, someone broke me so i can snap out of it and die.

-Stella-

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Pathetic

Heey~~

you know, it does hurt making the wrong choices, huh? X keeps being distant as time goes. Like, I feel that he thinks that I am his and I won't turn to anyone else again. And thus he just.. stops doing things to keep me as his ^^ Like, stops being romantic, stops paying attention to the small details of me, etc. He just sometimes ignore me that way when I'm at his house. He doesn't get all "I wanna kiss you and hug you" again. And I feel annoyed, frankly XD Because that's one of the few things keeping me hanging on here.. Hanging on to something called "self-restraint."

Yes, I have been restraining myself from doing anything that will remind me of T. And for a while, it worked. Until the whole problem restarted.. Yea.. This is what I hate from X. He keeps making the same mistakes, restarting things that had been resolved.. And I hate it.

Like, he knows perfectly well that his ignorance is what makes me feel insecure. And frankly, this makes me regret choosing X over T. I knew damn well T is a great guy. He sincerely cares and loves me. And what I had with him was a mutual relationship where both GIVES. Not only the one.

I keep trying to toss aside this thought, but I just can't. It seems like X only cares about me when he wants something, when he feels like I will go from his side, or when he just feel like it. Not exactly a perfect couple, is he? Yea. While I keep trying my best to go back to loving him as much as I did before, he just keeps being even more distant by the day. And it's not fair. I want to be appreciated, you know?

I do think that the reason X was suddenly all over me when I was with T (although he hasn't found out yet at that time), was because he felt like I was being distant. Well, duh. I got my attention divided and I was even thinking that we were separated already. So I didn't pay attention to him much. I was all over T haha. And I think that was why he started being all lovely and sweet and romantic to me. Because he was afraid he would lose me.. And now that I have been all over him again, he didn't feel insecure anymore and started losing his grasp on how he should act to keep me by his side. Haha. Yea, I know how selfish it sounds. But surely, who would want to be ignored and taken for granted? Don't be a hypocrite. No one, right?

So now, I'm left with more regrets.. haha the cycle never seems to end xD I just keep.. hating myself for the choices I made.. I keep wishing I had chosen differently and think of how I would turn out if I had chosen differently.. I keep thinking of how I would be A LOT happier if I had chosen T at that time. Hehe.. I know he and I are not that compatible. We fight for little things, sometimes. We also make simple mistakes seem big at times. But we loved each other and it was supposed to be enough... Why didn't I choose him? I should've known that X will only repeat his own mistakes.. And thus do this to me again... Why didn't I think of that..? And now, everything's too late..

I can't have T again.. He must've moved on.. And I'm stucked here with all the memories, regrets, and thoughts of the future.. Wishing I had done different things.. Wishing I hadn't been such a PATHETIC COWARD..

-Stella-

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Lies

Hi hi guys ^^

You know, after that (on last post), I keep trying to talk to him. I even made a draft email to send, asking for a second chance. And I was thinking of sending it once I've talked to X about how I feel. And I did talk to X, but then the truth hit me.

T has already flirted with someone else. lol. My best friend (F), in fact. Haha and I thought I still stand a chance ^^

Even his flirtings were the same ones as the ones he used on me. So what was I supposed to think?

Haha..

How nice ^^

I'm still hung up on him, wishing he would give me another chance. But it turns out, he's moved on so quickly and easily that he started flirting to other girls again already..

You know, T once said that N once gave him a picture of me, F, and N. And N asked T to guess which one was N. T told me that he picked me first, thinking I was N. But just a few days ago, he told F that he picked F first, thinking F was N. Ahaha ironic, huh? And I trusted him ^^

I believed every word he said. So yea, I wasn't expecting this. Haha figuring out that all his sweet words are just lies XD
While every flirtings I said back, every word about my feelings for him was never a lie... I meant all of it... Haha..

I just..

Don't know what to think of it..

Sorry guys, I'm pretty devastated at the moment. Maybe I'll post again in a few days ^^ Bye

-Stella-

Friday, January 9, 2015

How It Started

Heeey~

Long time no see ^^

The invisible people reading this might as well think why have I been away for a few days, huh? Or at least, I hope you guys are XD

Well the reason is simple. I'm busy with "my future." That thing has kept me occupied and frankly, I'm tired ^^ I'm tired of all these works I have to do, tired of how the world is treating me, tired of how I'm living in a lie I make by myself..

Like, you know, my problem with T? I'm gonna explain from the beginning of how it started now ^^

A few months ago, maybe around August last year, I started feeling that X is ignoring me. I don't know why, I don't even know if my hunch was true. But since I trust him, I got rid of that thought and still believed in him. Until around a month after, I met T and started liking him because he kept me company while X was never there for me anymore ^^ Then I started trying to get X jealous to T by telling X almost everything that I did with T in game. Like how we finished my trophy collection together, how he helped me level up, how we duet a trial dungeon, etc. But X didn't even look like he cared. He just look annoyed for a second, then said "oh. i see." After that, things got worse. X ignored me even more. So I started asking S about this, and he said "everything's got its expiry date. And even you have to be ready for it." So after a few days of thinking hard, I decided to let go of X and be ready whenever he wanted to finally break up with me.

And because I was ready for it, I thought there was no more reason to keep my distance with T anymore. So I told him that I'm finally available. I said I broke up but I'm still hiding it from N and W because I didn't want to break their hearts.

After a few weeks, we got married in game. It was one of the happiest days of my life ^^ And so I spent the night with T celebrating, chatting, skyping, and so on. It was just so... magical ^^ And around 2 weeks after, he asked me out. I hadn't broken up for real with X, but I seriously had nothing to do with X anymore at that time. I scarcely went to his house. We almost never chat. Even at school we barely looked like we were still dating. So I didn't give it a second thought and said "yes" to T. And thus, we started dating.

We were really happy. I was really happy. T was really kind, sweet, romantic, you name it. I loved him so much that I just didn't think of loving X anymore. I gave up all my heart for T.

One day, X checked my phone out and saw T's messages to me. Of course, it was all lovey dovey and full of hearts and stuff and he saw that it was only a few days ago. So he confronted me and told me to break up with T as soon as possible. So I apologized and cried and said I will end it. For once I was really scared to lose X. But after spending that night with T, I just couldn't bring myself to end it and decided that I will postpone this "break up" when I was about to graduate. Since I'm going to Japan, it will be better to start clean, I thought. Clean as in leaving this lies and secrets behind. So I kept avoiding talking anything that can remind X about this and I survived..

Until one day, I found out that X was cheating with W all this time. They were kissing behind my back and I couldn't help breaking down.. I confronted X about it and asked for details. Saying I couldn't accept it. But before I even got to say I want to break up for real, he apologized sincerely.. He cried and he apologized.. Asking if I could forgive him and give him a second chance..

.. I just couldn't stand hurting him that time.. And I couldn't do it also because I know I WAS the one who had been lying.. And I was still lying.. And so I said yes, I will give him a second chance..

I didn't tell T about this, of course. So I continued living 2 lives.. And trust me, IT WAS HARD AS HELL. I had to lie almost every time. And I thought it was fine for me. But after a few days, it started taking its toll on me.. I started crying more.. I started spacing out more.. Heck, I even started feeling far from BOTH. Not just X, but from T too. Trust me, it wasn't his fault. It was all mine.

But I kept going. And after a couple of weeks, it was getting better. I started dealing with all the lies I had to put up and I got used to lying.. Yea.. I'm a horrible person ^^

Well, what can I say. I was blinded by my weakness and my cowardliness.

So, I continues lying to everyone and one day, BOOM!

X went online in game and met T. I was so scared and so I just quit the game like that, pretending I got disconnected. But since X was calling me, he knew I pretended. X knew at that time that I hadn't ended it with T. So he said, "how about I play with his mind a bit?" and I said, "just remember, I haven't said anything to him.. So please don't go too far."
So X kept telling me what he said to T until T started saying that X was an asshole for ditching me, being away from me all the time, and how X didn't deserve me and how X was just a low level guy and stuff.
The next thing I know, X snapped. He stopped telling me what he was talking about with T and I knew at that time that something bad had happened. So I disconnected my call with X. Right a few minutes after, T called me. I didn't answer of course. But he literally tried every way possible to contact me and said "we need to talk."

After I waited for a while, trying to calm myself down, I finally answered X again. He was really REALLY mad. He got super bossy and he just didn't think of anything else but "crushing T" at that time. It was so scary.. It was the first time I had seen X so mean.. I was scared and I couldn't think straight, so I just did what he asked..

X asked me to tell T that it was over between me and T.. So I did.. I told him I never broke up with X in the first place and how I would still choose X over T. Then after some really scary, confusing, painful, dreadful hours, T told me to go online in game and divorced me. Then X told me to tell X everything that I said to T and I refused. Then X only snapped more until I just ignored him and went to sleep cause i couldn't take it anymore..

Until a couple of days after, I was still messaging T.. Trying to apologize.. But he just never accepted any of it ^^ But that time, I was still really scared of X that I couldn't even think of breaking up with X.. Actually, I really regret it now.. ahaha

Then one day, T's friend contacted me, saying T might die.. I panicked.. I texted T even though I knew it would take a lot of money, but I didn't care. It's about T's life! So I texted him, I said everything I possibly could just to try and prevent him from dying. Unfortunately, I didn't succeed ^^ He was already dying and his friend contacted me again, saying he might not survive.. Thus I, who had became an atheist, got desperate and started praying again... I cried and prayed and begged to God to not let T die.. I promised I would go back to being a believer if  he grant this one wish of mine.. After around half an hour, T finally texted me back saying "haha I won't be defeated that easily." And you guys just couldn't believe how relieved I was! I smiled like a crazy person, prayed again to say thank you as much as I could and then told T how I was so worried and also so happy to see him still alive. But he only said "what is it to you if I die?" I told him I loved him. But then he said, "made me a puppet of love and played me like you did, you mean nothing to me anymore. so go away." *stab stab stab* yea. it was the most painful thing I'd ever heard anyone said to me. hehe So I was down again. I just.. didn't know what to say to that except that I was sorry and how I never lied about how I felt to him.. But he didn't care.. Haha.. He just asked "what if he didn't give you a second chance?" after I told him I'm giving X a second chance. And I said "maybe live alone in this cold world, like you said" and after that, he answered "well goodluck then. you'll need it. i'll remove you and block you everywhere now so i won't be tempted to talk to you again"

And he did..

From FB and Skype. Even in game ^^ So.. yea.. that's basically how I ended up here ^^

Sorry for the long post~

-Stella-