Thursday, April 23, 2015
Saturday, March 7, 2015
How are you guys? I hope you're all better than me.
I have been really down again. For a few days, I actually thougt I have moved on. See how I actually stopped posting for a while?
I deleted his number, blocked him on Skype, etc. But I keep going back now.
I keep listening to his recordings. I re-add him on Skype which made him blocked me back. I keep thinking on going to the store to print his photo. I keep thinking of messaging him.
When will this end?
I know, I wanted this. I wanted this love to haunt me forever, but I never thought it was going to be this painful. Though, yea, I don't really want to move on either. This love is... kind of the one thing I really hold on to in my life now.. I'm tired of the sorrow it takes along side, but I know that this love will someday take me back to T.. Or at least I hope so..
I'm actually really confused. At times, I will feel nothing towards X.. And some other time, I will feel that spark of love again... What is happening with me?
At worst time, I even feel like I want to break up with him for his own good because I can't stop thinking of T... But I don't want to.. Cause when I think of breaking up, I also feel my guilt and longing for X.. I'm never going to do that..
I just want a way to know which way I will get.. Like, so I can make up my mind and lead a better life both for me and X...
T, can you please get out of my mind? Stay in my heart as my past and my love, but also stay away from my love life with X as I want to be a better person for him... Also because I know we won't work out.. Not anymore... I know because you will never be able to trust me again even if you have forgiven me and taken me back.. So please... Leave me alone.... Take your love back with you and give me back mine....
I love you, but I want you gone... Please..
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
How are you guys?
It's been actually a good day for me. Or at least, it was until I get home and I found myself alone without anything to do. Yea, it was the perfect time for my brain to mess up.
I just... How do you forget someone? How do you move on? Like, not gradually, but quickly. I NEED to move on. I am tired of taking long period of time to move on.
I know my history, I took me 3 years to move on from my first love, then around 1 and a half year to move on from my second love, and now I'm faced with T. I'm simply tired. I don't like crying every night anymore. I don't like thinking of him. I don't like remembering our memories as if it was still something to smile on. I DON'T WANT TO THINK OF HIM.
I'm tired, okay? I just want to focus on X and leave this thing behind. I want to move on and live a life where I don't have to be haunted by T. I want to be free..
But maybe this is my own curse? I did say to him that I will live my life with regrets, that I don't want to forget him and I can't, and also that I will always want him. It might be happening right about now.
No, I'm not thinking of giving up, or at least not thinking of actually doing it. Well, I just want to have a free mind. Like, I want to go back to before I cheated on X with T. I want to go back to when I haven't fallen in love with T. I want to go back to before I even knew him... I want to go back to when I was that girl who was all about X..
How do I go back to being that girl?
I don't even have words for this. I'm just tired of crying, mourning, pouting, regretting, and most of all, keeping this from everyone...
Why? Because everyone is already sick of this. Sick of me. They were like, "you have to move on!"
And I was like, "what the hell made you think that it was easy?"
I just don't get it! Well, point is I give up talking to anyone. Haha. No one will understand.. So what should I do?
This empty blog is all I have and well, I keep hoping for a new friend to come by and help me out, but who wants to befriend a pathetic, pitiful, sorrowful, annoying, and noisy person? No one.
So yea bye, my lovely, loyal, and quiet blog. Cya~
Monday, February 9, 2015
How has it been, guys? Not good for me, but I hope all is good for you ^^
Yea, it has been quite a while. It might as well seem like I have started moving on or I have stopped mourning over what happened, but that's not exactly what happened..
I just simply stop myself from writing because writing makes me remember more. And if I remember more than I already do, I will definitely cry haha
I find myself avoiding certain things in my life just because it reminds me of him. I know, pitiful. But well, those are the counter measures I have to take to avoid myself from breaking..
You know, he unblocked me. My best friend, let's call her F, knew about this problem between me, T, and X. She also knew about the problem between T and N and thus she said T was an asshole and a jerk. I didn't say anything to her, because I know she's pissed off with him lol and I really didn't want to mess with her in my state. I was too wrecked to have another broken relationship.
But well, things goes and blablabla, and suddenly F said that she wanted to get revenge on T. She said that she wanted to make T fell in love with her and then she would dump him in the harshest way possible. Still, I didn't say anything because I thought that if I saw T fell in love with her, I would start backing down slowly and let them have their way.. But I was stupid, as always. Not realizing my own self and how easily jealous I get. I was stupid
Then days passed, they actually got closer and got really close. Like I said in my older posts, T even used the lines he used to say to me and F was really playing well lol. note: I could use F's Facebook to see their chats and that was how I knew their messages ^^
Well I gotta say, I was super jealous. I know those two and I know that sooner or later, they are gonna fall in love for real. Both of them are really great people deep down and eventhough her intentions were bad at first, I thought T's kindness would in time get her to melt and love him back. I thought it was a pretty good idea, since F is still hung up on her dead fiancée and I always want her to fall back in love with someone better. And T is certainly a great, great guy.. I thought I could handle the jealousy...
More days passed, I get even more jealous, devastated, down, and broken... I knew damn well that they can be in love for real... And finally I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to see if F was still on her plan.. I asked her if she was for real or has she fallen in love with T. I wanted to make sure.. I wanted to know because if she even felt a bit of love towards him already, I would try to back down by deleting her FB's password on my browser.. Not opening it again and then start deleting all my memories with T too..
But F was still on her plan.. In fact, she got more excited about it and about a day or two after I asked, I saw T's messages and I felt something wrong. I don't know, it felt too quick for him to be saying that stuff and it somehow seemed made up. Like, really made up. So I was worried and started re-reading his messages to F one more time.
I don't know if it was just me being stupid or was I right, but I decided that T might have figured out F's plan. And knowing that F was still on her plan, I was afraid the two of them could clash and ended up hurting each other and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to fix them back.... So I decided I couldn't talk F out of this cause I've tried and failed, and I decided to tell T about the truth and see if he knows. I sent him screenchots of F telling me her plan and the translations.
Later on that day, T replied my text and my email and said that he already knew. So my suspicions were right. I begged him to stop his plan because I couldn't persuade F to stop. (here is when he unblocked me to chat easier on Skype) Then he said that he was proud of me of telling him and thus he wanted to give me a reward, which was to choose if I want him to continue and give F a lesson or stop his plan and actually go from F's life. Of course, I chose the second one, I wanted him to stop. Then I told him not to tell F cause I didn't want her to freak out and ended up hating me.
But being the inconsiderate him, he told F. And F went into rampage and she hated me. Then I blocked T back because I was really disappointed at how he told her.. But I couldn't hold it for long lol. Only like 2 hours and I unblocked him back. But I was truly mad haha Although I couldn't actually say it cause I was more overjoyed by the fact that he didn't block me back even after I unblocked him. And after I checked, he also unblocked me in game and on FB. I was surprised and happy, of course, but it made me wonder, what is the meaning of this?
Of course, I would love to be confident and say that it's because he still loves me, but I can't. Thus I came to another idea, that he has actually moved on from me and that is why he didn't feel the need to avoid talking to me anymore.. Harsh one, I must say..
Now I'm left looking at his unblocked chat, wanting to say hi to him every time, wishing he changed his status every time, wishing he's say hi to me every time, hoping I'd see him check on my chat (because we can see it on Skype if someone's opening the chat), and wishing every time that I will wake up and see him say "good morning, honey" again because this is all just a nightmare..
Well, that's all I could handle for now.. I have lots of tasks to do and I'm way too tired to write more... I will just keep looking at his photos, imagine he's still there with me, saying all these sweet stuff and encouraging me, and my energy will be recharged~
I love you, T. I can't wait for the day I go to Japan to finally talk to you again, as I've promised.. ^^
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Are you reading this?
I just.. I miss you so much, you know? I can't seem to stop crying every night.. I miss you.. I love you so much, T... I.. keep hoping this was all a dream.. Just a silly nightmare and when I wake up tomorrow, you would be on my screen, looking at me and say, "good morning, my angel" then kiss the cam...
I keep hoping every time I got back from school that I would see a Skype notification on my phone and I would see your name in it..
I keep hoping every time I get online that I would see that "You have acquired
I keep hoping this is just a nightmare.... I keep wishing I can still see you every day, every night, every time....
You know, I twisted my ankle again this morning.. haha I know, how clumsy and careless of me. But you were the first person I thought about.. I immediately thought, "ah, I bet's he's gonna tease me about being clumsy and then say that he would carry me around if he was here"... haha and then it struck me. You won't.
You're just not here anymore... And I... I just couldnt...
Seriously, are you reading this..?
If you are, then you would probably have known how much of a coward I am. Not having the courage to say all this to you and posting it here instead. But yes, I am that cowardly.
I know damn well my feelings for X will never be the same. I just, don't feel that way anymore.. And I know that my feelings for you is a lot bigger, a lot stronger, and real... But I still won't come clean to you or X to say it... WHY?!
I don't know...
Hey, why weren't you online this whole day? Are you sick? I hope you're not.. I sure don't want to see you sick.. I'm worried ^^ But well, I can't really figure out now, can I? I can only pray and hope and wait for tomorrow to see if you're back online..
I'm sorry.. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for lying to you.. I'm sorry for choosing X.. I'm sorry for not being truthful to myself... I'm sorry for not being me again... I'm sorry for not saying this directly to you.... But.. I..
I'm sorry, T...
I still love you.. so much it rips me apart.. So much it hurts my body, mind, and soul not to be with you... So much I keep wishing I can just die and fly to your place to protect you without letting you know... I miss you.. so much...
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Been a long few days, huh? For me, though.
You know, I have been trying so hard to keep T away from my mind xD But either my way is not working, or I am just too much into him. Every time I do something unusual or something that is a complete waste of time, I would think that if I were still with T, I would be spending some quality time with him or get some of my work done early just to be with him. Which means I would be doing something that is actually meaningful. Not slacking around, spacing out, playing games, etc. But well, what can I say? A dream is just a dream..
What makes it hard is actually the fact that I still remember all the work I have to do, but I just don't have the passion to do them. It's almost as if I've lost my will to do anything XD I even lost quite a big part of my will to go to Japan. I know, it's weird. Although I know I might have a chance of getting back in touch with T when I have finally arrived at Japan, but I just can't seem to grasp that idea. Mostly because I'm scared. Scared of the future and all of the possibilities.
These days, those sudden attacks of memories are just, painful... I would suddenly stop doing something because I feel a tight feeling in my chest, I can barely breathe... Then I would feel like I just wanna disappear into thin air... Everything is just really hard to accept... Until now...
Hey... might you be reading these? lol no way though. but well, wishes are okay to make, deshou?
i've been thinking about this a lot more these days. how i would prefer to break up with X. and go back to T. but i know he doesn't want me anymore. like Ace said, first and second week are the limit. pass that limit and he will only think that you want him not because you still love him. and it's been almost a month i think. so he won't even think twice before turning me down anyway. haha
ugh... i wanna break free... i don't want to be with anyone right now... it hurts... i just want to be with T... i keep wishing he'd send me a message on skype saying "how was your day?" and stuff.. i keep opening skype on my phone out of habit... and when i open it, i saw his last message... "i will block you and remove you everywhere now so i wont be tempted to say anything to you"
it always slaps me right on the face, you know? like, a really hard one.
I want him back... yet i don't want to try and talk to him again... i'm scared... what if he hates me that much to say harsh things again? sentences like, "well, it's your problem now not mine xD" haha...
yes i still remember that one... i told him i need him after he divorced me in game. and that was what he answered me with. i went offline immediately. and deleted the game. haha. but well, i have an extra copy on my hard disk external, so i copied it right back when i have calmed down. haha pitiful
so desperate for love, yet so despicable even by myself. i hate it. i feel disgusted at myself after i know my old thoughts of "lying to T". i was like, "what am i? a monster?" maybe. and thankfully, someone broke me so i can snap out of it and die.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
you know, it does hurt making the wrong choices, huh? X keeps being distant as time goes. Like, I feel that he thinks that I am his and I won't turn to anyone else again. And thus he just.. stops doing things to keep me as his ^^ Like, stops being romantic, stops paying attention to the small details of me, etc. He just sometimes ignore me that way when I'm at his house. He doesn't get all "I wanna kiss you and hug you" again. And I feel annoyed, frankly XD Because that's one of the few things keeping me hanging on here.. Hanging on to something called "self-restraint."
Yes, I have been restraining myself from doing anything that will remind me of T. And for a while, it worked. Until the whole problem restarted.. Yea.. This is what I hate from X. He keeps making the same mistakes, restarting things that had been resolved.. And I hate it.
Like, he knows perfectly well that his ignorance is what makes me feel insecure. And frankly, this makes me regret choosing X over T. I knew damn well T is a great guy. He sincerely cares and loves me. And what I had with him was a mutual relationship where both GIVES. Not only the one.
I keep trying to toss aside this thought, but I just can't. It seems like X only cares about me when he wants something, when he feels like I will go from his side, or when he just feel like it. Not exactly a perfect couple, is he? Yea. While I keep trying my best to go back to loving him as much as I did before, he just keeps being even more distant by the day. And it's not fair. I want to be appreciated, you know?
I do think that the reason X was suddenly all over me when I was with T (although he hasn't found out yet at that time), was because he felt like I was being distant. Well, duh. I got my attention divided and I was even thinking that we were separated already. So I didn't pay attention to him much. I was all over T haha. And I think that was why he started being all lovely and sweet and romantic to me. Because he was afraid he would lose me.. And now that I have been all over him again, he didn't feel insecure anymore and started losing his grasp on how he should act to keep me by his side. Haha. Yea, I know how selfish it sounds. But surely, who would want to be ignored and taken for granted? Don't be a hypocrite. No one, right?
So now, I'm left with more regrets.. haha the cycle never seems to end xD I just keep.. hating myself for the choices I made.. I keep wishing I had chosen differently and think of how I would turn out if I had chosen differently.. I keep thinking of how I would be A LOT happier if I had chosen T at that time. Hehe.. I know he and I are not that compatible. We fight for little things, sometimes. We also make simple mistakes seem big at times. But we loved each other and it was supposed to be enough... Why didn't I choose him? I should've known that X will only repeat his own mistakes.. And thus do this to me again... Why didn't I think of that..? And now, everything's too late..
I can't have T again.. He must've moved on.. And I'm stucked here with all the memories, regrets, and thoughts of the future.. Wishing I had done different things.. Wishing I hadn't been such a PATHETIC COWARD..