Thursday, January 22, 2015

Hope

Hey

Are you reading this?

I just.. I miss you so much, you know? I can't seem to stop crying every night.. I miss you.. I  love you so much, T... I.. keep hoping this was all a dream.. Just a silly nightmare and when I wake up tomorrow, you would be on my screen, looking at me and say, "good morning, my angel" then kiss the cam...

I keep hoping every time I got back from school that I would see a Skype notification on my phone and I would see your name in it..

I keep hoping every time I get online that I would see that "You have acquired status." notification and I would see you next to me... Then I would see my couple's chat and see you say, "welcome back, honey"

I keep hoping this is just a nightmare.... I keep wishing I can still see you every day, every night, every time....

You know, I twisted my ankle again this morning.. haha I know, how clumsy and careless of me. But you were the first person I thought about.. I immediately thought, "ah, I bet's he's gonna tease me about being clumsy and then say that he would carry me around if he was here"... haha and then it struck me. You won't.
You're just not here anymore... And I... I just couldnt...

Seriously, are you reading this..?

If you are, then you would probably have known how much of a coward I am. Not having the courage to say all this to you and posting it here instead. But yes, I am that cowardly.

I know damn well my feelings for X will never be the same. I just, don't feel that way anymore.. And I know that my feelings for you is a lot bigger, a lot stronger, and real... But I still won't come clean to you or X to say it... WHY?!

I don't know...

Hey, why weren't you online this whole day? Are you sick? I hope you're not.. I sure don't want to see you sick.. I'm worried ^^ But well, I can't really figure out now, can I? I can only pray and hope and wait for tomorrow to see if you're back online..

I'm sorry.. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for lying to you.. I'm sorry for choosing X.. I'm sorry for not being truthful to myself... I'm sorry for not being me again... I'm sorry for not saying this directly to you.... But.. I..

I'm sorry, T...

I still love you.. so much it rips me apart.. So much it hurts my body, mind, and soul not to be with you... So much I keep wishing I can just die and fly to your place to protect you without letting you know... I miss you.. so much...

Please....

-Stella-

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Monster

Hey!

Been a long few days, huh? For me, though.

You know, I have been trying so hard to keep T away from my mind xD But either my way is not working, or I am just too much into him. Every time I do something unusual or something that is a complete waste of time, I would think that if I were still with T, I would be spending some quality time with him or get some of my work done early just to be with him. Which means I would be doing something that is actually meaningful. Not slacking around, spacing out, playing games, etc. But well, what can I say? A dream is just a dream..

What makes it hard is actually the fact that I still remember all the work I have to do, but I just don't have the passion to do them. It's almost as if I've lost my will to do anything XD I even lost quite a big part of my will to go to Japan. I know, it's weird. Although I know I might have a chance of getting back in touch with T when I have finally arrived at Japan, but I just can't seem to grasp that idea. Mostly because I'm scared. Scared of the future and all of the possibilities.

These days, those sudden attacks of memories are just, painful... I would suddenly stop doing something because I feel a tight feeling in my chest, I can barely breathe... Then I would feel like I just wanna disappear into thin air... Everything is just really hard to accept... Until now...

Hey... might you be reading these? lol no way though. but well, wishes are okay to make, deshou?

i've been thinking about this a lot more these days. how i would prefer to break up with X. and go back to T. but i know he doesn't want me anymore. like Ace said, first and second week are the limit. pass that limit and he will only think that you want him not because you still love him. and it's been almost a month i think. so he won't even think twice before turning me down anyway. haha

ugh... i wanna break free... i don't want to be with anyone right now... it hurts... i just want to be with T... i keep wishing he'd send me a message on skype saying "how was your day?" and stuff.. i keep opening skype on my phone out of habit... and when i open it, i saw his last message... "i will block you and remove you everywhere now so i wont be tempted to say anything to you"

...

it always slaps me right on the face, you know? like, a really hard one.

I want him back... yet i don't want to try and talk to him again... i'm scared... what if he hates me that much to say harsh things again? sentences like, "well, it's your problem now not mine xD" haha...

yes i still remember that one... i told him i need him after he divorced me in game. and that was what he answered me with. i went offline immediately. and deleted the game. haha. but well, i have an extra copy on my hard disk external, so i copied it right back when i have calmed down. haha pitiful

so desperate for love, yet so despicable even by myself. i hate it. i feel disgusted at myself after i know my old thoughts of "lying to T". i was like, "what am i? a monster?" maybe. and thankfully, someone broke me so i can snap out of it and die.

-Stella-

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Pathetic

Heey~~

you know, it does hurt making the wrong choices, huh? X keeps being distant as time goes. Like, I feel that he thinks that I am his and I won't turn to anyone else again. And thus he just.. stops doing things to keep me as his ^^ Like, stops being romantic, stops paying attention to the small details of me, etc. He just sometimes ignore me that way when I'm at his house. He doesn't get all "I wanna kiss you and hug you" again. And I feel annoyed, frankly XD Because that's one of the few things keeping me hanging on here.. Hanging on to something called "self-restraint."

Yes, I have been restraining myself from doing anything that will remind me of T. And for a while, it worked. Until the whole problem restarted.. Yea.. This is what I hate from X. He keeps making the same mistakes, restarting things that had been resolved.. And I hate it.

Like, he knows perfectly well that his ignorance is what makes me feel insecure. And frankly, this makes me regret choosing X over T. I knew damn well T is a great guy. He sincerely cares and loves me. And what I had with him was a mutual relationship where both GIVES. Not only the one.

I keep trying to toss aside this thought, but I just can't. It seems like X only cares about me when he wants something, when he feels like I will go from his side, or when he just feel like it. Not exactly a perfect couple, is he? Yea. While I keep trying my best to go back to loving him as much as I did before, he just keeps being even more distant by the day. And it's not fair. I want to be appreciated, you know?

I do think that the reason X was suddenly all over me when I was with T (although he hasn't found out yet at that time), was because he felt like I was being distant. Well, duh. I got my attention divided and I was even thinking that we were separated already. So I didn't pay attention to him much. I was all over T haha. And I think that was why he started being all lovely and sweet and romantic to me. Because he was afraid he would lose me.. And now that I have been all over him again, he didn't feel insecure anymore and started losing his grasp on how he should act to keep me by his side. Haha. Yea, I know how selfish it sounds. But surely, who would want to be ignored and taken for granted? Don't be a hypocrite. No one, right?

So now, I'm left with more regrets.. haha the cycle never seems to end xD I just keep.. hating myself for the choices I made.. I keep wishing I had chosen differently and think of how I would turn out if I had chosen differently.. I keep thinking of how I would be A LOT happier if I had chosen T at that time. Hehe.. I know he and I are not that compatible. We fight for little things, sometimes. We also make simple mistakes seem big at times. But we loved each other and it was supposed to be enough... Why didn't I choose him? I should've known that X will only repeat his own mistakes.. And thus do this to me again... Why didn't I think of that..? And now, everything's too late..

I can't have T again.. He must've moved on.. And I'm stucked here with all the memories, regrets, and thoughts of the future.. Wishing I had done different things.. Wishing I hadn't been such a PATHETIC COWARD..

-Stella-

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Lies

Hi hi guys ^^

You know, after that (on last post), I keep trying to talk to him. I even made a draft email to send, asking for a second chance. And I was thinking of sending it once I've talked to X about how I feel. And I did talk to X, but then the truth hit me.

T has already flirted with someone else. lol. My best friend (F), in fact. Haha and I thought I still stand a chance ^^

Even his flirtings were the same ones as the ones he used on me. So what was I supposed to think?

Haha..

How nice ^^

I'm still hung up on him, wishing he would give me another chance. But it turns out, he's moved on so quickly and easily that he started flirting to other girls again already..

You know, T once said that N once gave him a picture of me, F, and N. And N asked T to guess which one was N. T told me that he picked me first, thinking I was N. But just a few days ago, he told F that he picked F first, thinking F was N. Ahaha ironic, huh? And I trusted him ^^

I believed every word he said. So yea, I wasn't expecting this. Haha figuring out that all his sweet words are just lies XD
While every flirtings I said back, every word about my feelings for him was never a lie... I meant all of it... Haha..

I just..

Don't know what to think of it..

Sorry guys, I'm pretty devastated at the moment. Maybe I'll post again in a few days ^^ Bye

-Stella-

Friday, January 9, 2015

How It Started

Heeey~

Long time no see ^^

The invisible people reading this might as well think why have I been away for a few days, huh? Or at least, I hope you guys are XD

Well the reason is simple. I'm busy with "my future." That thing has kept me occupied and frankly, I'm tired ^^ I'm tired of all these works I have to do, tired of how the world is treating me, tired of how I'm living in a lie I make by myself..

Like, you know, my problem with T? I'm gonna explain from the beginning of how it started now ^^

A few months ago, maybe around August last year, I started feeling that X is ignoring me. I don't know why, I don't even know if my hunch was true. But since I trust him, I got rid of that thought and still believed in him. Until around a month after, I met T and started liking him because he kept me company while X was never there for me anymore ^^ Then I started trying to get X jealous to T by telling X almost everything that I did with T in game. Like how we finished my trophy collection together, how he helped me level up, how we duet a trial dungeon, etc. But X didn't even look like he cared. He just look annoyed for a second, then said "oh. i see." After that, things got worse. X ignored me even more. So I started asking S about this, and he said "everything's got its expiry date. And even you have to be ready for it." So after a few days of thinking hard, I decided to let go of X and be ready whenever he wanted to finally break up with me.

And because I was ready for it, I thought there was no more reason to keep my distance with T anymore. So I told him that I'm finally available. I said I broke up but I'm still hiding it from N and W because I didn't want to break their hearts.

After a few weeks, we got married in game. It was one of the happiest days of my life ^^ And so I spent the night with T celebrating, chatting, skyping, and so on. It was just so... magical ^^ And around 2 weeks after, he asked me out. I hadn't broken up for real with X, but I seriously had nothing to do with X anymore at that time. I scarcely went to his house. We almost never chat. Even at school we barely looked like we were still dating. So I didn't give it a second thought and said "yes" to T. And thus, we started dating.

We were really happy. I was really happy. T was really kind, sweet, romantic, you name it. I loved him so much that I just didn't think of loving X anymore. I gave up all my heart for T.

One day, X checked my phone out and saw T's messages to me. Of course, it was all lovey dovey and full of hearts and stuff and he saw that it was only a few days ago. So he confronted me and told me to break up with T as soon as possible. So I apologized and cried and said I will end it. For once I was really scared to lose X. But after spending that night with T, I just couldn't bring myself to end it and decided that I will postpone this "break up" when I was about to graduate. Since I'm going to Japan, it will be better to start clean, I thought. Clean as in leaving this lies and secrets behind. So I kept avoiding talking anything that can remind X about this and I survived..

Until one day, I found out that X was cheating with W all this time. They were kissing behind my back and I couldn't help breaking down.. I confronted X about it and asked for details. Saying I couldn't accept it. But before I even got to say I want to break up for real, he apologized sincerely.. He cried and he apologized.. Asking if I could forgive him and give him a second chance..

.. I just couldn't stand hurting him that time.. And I couldn't do it also because I know I WAS the one who had been lying.. And I was still lying.. And so I said yes, I will give him a second chance..

I didn't tell T about this, of course. So I continued living 2 lives.. And trust me, IT WAS HARD AS HELL. I had to lie almost every time. And I thought it was fine for me. But after a few days, it started taking its toll on me.. I started crying more.. I started spacing out more.. Heck, I even started feeling far from BOTH. Not just X, but from T too. Trust me, it wasn't his fault. It was all mine.

But I kept going. And after a couple of weeks, it was getting better. I started dealing with all the lies I had to put up and I got used to lying.. Yea.. I'm a horrible person ^^

Well, what can I say. I was blinded by my weakness and my cowardliness.

So, I continues lying to everyone and one day, BOOM!

X went online in game and met T. I was so scared and so I just quit the game like that, pretending I got disconnected. But since X was calling me, he knew I pretended. X knew at that time that I hadn't ended it with T. So he said, "how about I play with his mind a bit?" and I said, "just remember, I haven't said anything to him.. So please don't go too far."
So X kept telling me what he said to T until T started saying that X was an asshole for ditching me, being away from me all the time, and how X didn't deserve me and how X was just a low level guy and stuff.
The next thing I know, X snapped. He stopped telling me what he was talking about with T and I knew at that time that something bad had happened. So I disconnected my call with X. Right a few minutes after, T called me. I didn't answer of course. But he literally tried every way possible to contact me and said "we need to talk."

After I waited for a while, trying to calm myself down, I finally answered X again. He was really REALLY mad. He got super bossy and he just didn't think of anything else but "crushing T" at that time. It was so scary.. It was the first time I had seen X so mean.. I was scared and I couldn't think straight, so I just did what he asked..

X asked me to tell T that it was over between me and T.. So I did.. I told him I never broke up with X in the first place and how I would still choose X over T. Then after some really scary, confusing, painful, dreadful hours, T told me to go online in game and divorced me. Then X told me to tell X everything that I said to T and I refused. Then X only snapped more until I just ignored him and went to sleep cause i couldn't take it anymore..

Until a couple of days after, I was still messaging T.. Trying to apologize.. But he just never accepted any of it ^^ But that time, I was still really scared of X that I couldn't even think of breaking up with X.. Actually, I really regret it now.. ahaha

Then one day, T's friend contacted me, saying T might die.. I panicked.. I texted T even though I knew it would take a lot of money, but I didn't care. It's about T's life! So I texted him, I said everything I possibly could just to try and prevent him from dying. Unfortunately, I didn't succeed ^^ He was already dying and his friend contacted me again, saying he might not survive.. Thus I, who had became an atheist, got desperate and started praying again... I cried and prayed and begged to God to not let T die.. I promised I would go back to being a believer if  he grant this one wish of mine.. After around half an hour, T finally texted me back saying "haha I won't be defeated that easily." And you guys just couldn't believe how relieved I was! I smiled like a crazy person, prayed again to say thank you as much as I could and then told T how I was so worried and also so happy to see him still alive. But he only said "what is it to you if I die?" I told him I loved him. But then he said, "made me a puppet of love and played me like you did, you mean nothing to me anymore. so go away." *stab stab stab* yea. it was the most painful thing I'd ever heard anyone said to me. hehe So I was down again. I just.. didn't know what to say to that except that I was sorry and how I never lied about how I felt to him.. But he didn't care.. Haha.. He just asked "what if he didn't give you a second chance?" after I told him I'm giving X a second chance. And I said "maybe live alone in this cold world, like you said" and after that, he answered "well goodluck then. you'll need it. i'll remove you and block you everywhere now so i won't be tempted to talk to you again"

And he did..

From FB and Skype. Even in game ^^ So.. yea.. that's basically how I ended up here ^^

Sorry for the long post~

-Stella-

Monday, January 5, 2015

My Birthday

Hey guys~

Finally, it's my 18th birthday today :3
It's just 17 minutes past midnight and i'm still hoping that T would text me or something and wish me a happy birthday ^^
I'm waiting for it even though I know it wont come. I even stay up this late just to play and check if he's still online ^^ wondering "he might mail me and say happy birthday there" and also refreshing my facebook every minute, checking my skype, and my phone, desperately hoping for a sign that he still remembers me.. care about me.. and crying in this birthday of mine..

I'm not saying this just because i want to be congratulated on my birthday.. But i just.. I just want any sign that he still checks on me.. That he still cares.. I wonder every day, every night if he's wishing he could call me and just chat around with me on skype like we used to... I wonder if he's wishing he could text me and just say "i miss you" or something... I wonder if he still opens his skype, wondering if i have sent him any messages.. I wonder if he still actually loves me.....

My best friend just told me:
"Love will find a way. So fight for your love, because it will be worth a shot. If you live and you're not happy, that's not living, that's only surviving. It's pointless to live like that and so you should fight for the one you love."

But the circumstances are not that easy for me... I know, I could just break up with X and tell him that I want a chance to be with T, but I have had enough with hurting people!!! It breaks me apart!!! It tears me apart inside when I had to break T's heart... And it still does.... What if I break X's heart too? Will I survive the pain, the sorrow, the burden? I'm not sure.... It hurts like hell.. Because it hurts because I hurt them, because they're heartbroken because of ME, and because I will no longer be with them.... Just like the pain is multiplied by three.... It just hhurts....

Even just now, X texted me a poem. A poem saying how I was his bright light, the one who made him survive, the one who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and he proposed to me.. Not officially, of course.. But he did... And.. I'm crying because I don't know what to answer.. Until I said "I will" and then I cried even more... Because I know it might be another lie.... Because I'm in love with someone else....

Hiks... what should I do..?

-Stella-

Thursday, January 1, 2015

A Dream

Heeey guys

I just saw myself through my laptop's camera. Simply because I wanted to fix my hair and I don't have any mirror in my room. And you know what happened?

I remembered how it was when I was video calling him. I keep looking at that small part of the screen to check myself out and fix my hair or anything, just so he won't see a bad looking me. And then he would look away a bit and look at me back and say "why are you staring at me?" and I would say "hey, you're staring too" or the other way around.. And then he would kiss the cam and I would be all blushy because I just don't know how to react to that simple yet lovely move of his..

I can hear his voice saying that inside my head.. I can see his eyes looking around in embarrassment.. I can see his lips smiling wide.. I can see the whole scene inside my head.. And it's spinning over and over again in my head.. Like there's no end.. Like my brain is just telling me how much I miss to see that...

I know.. I know I shouldn't be remembering him.. I shouldn't be thinking of him anymore.. Because I'm simply not worth it..

But I can't help it.. I just don't feel the same to this guy (X) that I ditched him for... I can't even say I love him for sure.. All I think about, all I miss, all I can loudly say I love is only him (T)...

What should I do..?

It's like.. I don't even want to move on.. I just want to keep this feeling inside of me forever and wish he would come back.. Wish I would someday be able to finally try and talk to him again.. Saying how much I love him, I miss him, and how I regret what I did to him... And he would say "I forgive you.. And I love you too.. I miss you too.." and we would be back like we used to be....

What makes it worse, all the time I was with him, I keep wondering how we would survive this long distance relationship.. We're literally halfway across the world apart and I always wonder if we were gonna make it..... And just yesterday, I read this post about how ppl survive their long distance relationship only with skype and virtual dating and stuff AND IT WORKED.. AND IT WORKED FOR THEM AND THEY WERE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED WHEN SHE WROTE THAT ARTICLE....

And you just... You just can't imagine how much more heart broken I was... All this time I was doubting our love and dedication.. While other ppl just FUCKING DO IT AND MADE IT THROUGH...

I can't stand this... It's literally the first christmas and new year that I spent crying all the time... Not even wanting to get in the mood for any family gatherings.. even for christmas presents.... I just can't....
Even last night, I dreamt about something..

I dreamt about X saying I could ask for anything for my birthday (which is 4 days from now).. And I said I want to break up and be with T.. And X said okay, if that's what you want, I'll grant it...
And then T mailed me in game saying that his present for me would be him giving me a second chance to be with him.... And I woke up before I could answer it...

I almost cried when I woke up... I kept thinking it over and over again in my head.. How I wish that would happen.. How I wish I have the courage to tell X that I just... Don't feel the same about him after I met T.... How all I want now is T... not X....

Like, I'm seriously having a hard time with this... Every word I see that he had said before, it reminds me of the exact time and event of when he said it.. What happened next, and even every single word that he said.. I just... want him back that much.. I love him.. I can't stand this..

-Stella-