Friday, November 21, 2014

Scared

Hei..

I'm really in a bad place atm.. I keep crying and crying.. I keep getting scared at every possibility and i'm tired.. I feel like everything that i've came to know is falling apart.. breaking apart.. like my self.. breaking into pieces as many as i cant count.. idk what to do.. all i know is it's tiring.. it's hard.. it's scary.. and it's.. just hard... idk what else to say.. i'm just scared.. i feel so alone and so scared.. like everything, every feeling, every cell inside of my body is screaming "I'M SCARED" at the same time and i dont know how i can hold on... how i can stay here... how i can hang on.... i'm just scared..

i know it's so cowardly of me.. but i cant help it.. my own dad despises me.. he wont talk to me, he wont consider me exist, so how can i expect someone else to not do the same? it's just tiring... and scary.. and hurts... hurts...

i know.. it's all my ego's fault.. MY  fault.. but i'm afraid to do anything about it.. i'm scared..
cause i know he will only say "i dont need you" or "i dont want you anymore" and then one at a time, everyone will do the same... so i'm just trying to hold my part here.. trying to be the same as usual, even better, to try and make everyone loves me.. but it makes me feel further away from them... i cant cry in front of them.. i cant show weakness in front of them.. i cant talk about this to them,, i cant say anything except the things that will help them.. or they will leave me too..

だれでも、たすけてください。。。

-Stella-

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Lonely

Hey hey, do you know that I've been crying these past few days? I miss you so much and i love you so much x3 but somehow you feel reallyyy far away from me. And no matter how tight i hugged you while you were sleeping, i cant shake off the far away feeling. But it just never succeeded xD i know I'm prolly exaggerating, but you know how i get. Then i started thinking stupid and i cried. And i miss you. Which is why i suddenly get all nostalgic xD i wonder how did we get that close in such short time x3 how did we spend time those days? Cause i remember going home everyday saying "i want more time with you cause i still miss you so much". And how you'd say the same thing and we sulk about it xD then how we spend all day chatting about silly stuff and made each other blush like hell all the time. I miss all that xD but you know, i cant blame anyone but me for that xD i know I've been neglecting my phone. And so have i been neglecting you. Idk why, but i kept feeling a big distance between us and that made me keep myself away from you.. i feel like I'm being a nuisance for you. And i dont want to be one.. so then i started putting on more steps between us. And that didnt freaking end well. Cause i ended up feeling lonely all the time. And like right now, i have no one to turn to when I'm feeling this way. Sensei is definetely busy, Tata's not answering which means she's not with her phone, Ian and you cant be bothered now.. i have no one.. idk how i can get rid of this feeling... it hurts... hurts so much i cant even write a poem about it without stopping in the middle because it's so unbearable... idk what i should do Bel... and i cant even say all this to you because i know it's all my fault... and yea i deserve all this....

That is what i wrote to him and ended up copying it here and erasing the one that i should've sent to him...

I really, seriously have no one else to turn to... idk what i should do with all this pain.... idk what i should do with all this tears.... idk what i should do....

I just feel really lonely... and hurt.... and more than anything, just... lonely.....

Even aka is not an option.... he was the one i would turn to, but now he's not an option... just, not...

Pleasee... please anyone... help me.. idk what i should do... idk what i should do.... i feel like crap.. i feel like i want to just grab a knife, take my heart out, then throw it far far away...

You know, i was just at Abel's and he was so tired all he did was sleep. So yea i watched him sleep, hugged him and kissed him every now and then. But every time i touched him, there's this really annoying voice inside me that says "dont touch him! He wont want you to touch him! you're just a bother!" And so i stopped...

But ofc, i love him and i miss him and so i held his hand.. then went that voice once again... and so i let go...

The fucking cycle repeated it self over and over that it almost actually made me scream in pain and anger...

And do you know what's worse? Everytime i touched him, right before that voice started saying anything, there's this glimpse of memory of when i first touched him there...

Like when he first kissed my hand, when we first hold hands and how he was singing Vanilla Twilight as we held hands.... then when i first touch his cheek to pinch him and how i remember my first thought of it was "wow he's really cute! Just like a little innocent kid"

I cant take this.... it hurts so badly.... would someone please get me through this..... would someone please take it away from me...... i hate this....

And even now i still dont get what made that space between us existed in the first place.....

Sunday, September 21, 2014

New Blog !

Guys! Since I now have realized how embarrassing the stuffs I wrote here are, I am thinking of instead of changing the address, I might as well just change the blog. So starting tonight, my blog is going to go back to normal but there is going to be a new blog which is going to be devoted only for poems I write and the address is nayticatellamy.blogspot.com and I hope you enjoy it!

-Stella-

Monday, September 15, 2014

Rivers of Secret

More to love
Yes, about you

Without doubts
Heartfelt words as proof
Of you, of us
Living danger
Entrusted by love

Weak and puny
Only I know myself
Rivers of secrets
Looking flawless yet
Drowned in remorse

Is not about you
Is not about me
Is about us

Driven sideways by regret

In the rivers of secret
Another dream
Another wish
Washed away

-Stella- (13/09/2014)

Powerless

Loud and clear
The message was heard
Straight forward your words come out

"I love you"
"I want you"
"I need you"

Hummings
Unclear whispers
Complicated answers
All I can say

"You're beautiful"
"You're kind"
"You're perfect"

Turned my face away
Blushed and hid it
Said no to everything
All I can do

Poweless
Against a life impossible
Against a wish impeccable

"Will you be mine?"

-Stella- (13/09/2014)

Every Choice

Picture your face
Painted as a masterpiece on a vase
Delivered with passion
Wrapped with unlimited devotion

To eternity it goes
Through years and worlds
Between the past and present
All it knows are memories and the future

Upon a raging ocean it swims
Taking every step with peace
Peace, to ease every heart
Knows only not to feel
Knows only not to think
Knows only to hide its appearance

Under the open sky
Considering every choice with intellect
Though a thought is not to choose
For a mind unsettled
For a heart insecured
For a pair of hands tied behind
For lips bound to shut

In the middle of the running world
A soul to choose its path

-Stella- (10/09/2014)

Vintage Age

Dependant on love
Only God knows why
Nevertheless I live
To see either A or B

Landlord of a space
Eventually abandoned and aged
After years of company
Vintage age, I suppose
Endure death, not a choice

Maked with a grin
Endorsed in luxury

Though I'm young
Though I'm stupid
Though I'm yours

Though we're only human

-Stella- (10/09/2014)

Summer Evening

Indistinct place

Dusty furnitures
Rusty silverwares
Empty halls
A part of a dream
Made of anguish
Treated with riddles

On a summer evening
Full of orange

Yet no wish can ever be wished
On this summer evening
Upon the sky nor the ground

Every night since
Every second since
Every time I close my eyes

How I wish dreams would last
Forever

-Stella- (09/09/2014)

Down The Well and Up

At a crop field
Charging towards high grass
Rise my face against the wind
Over the sky my heart goes
Seeing things i never saw
Seeking things i never got

To travel under the sun
Harassed by thoughts of a face
Enchanted by dreams that never came

Without worries
Or even fears
Raising my hopes to a world unknown
Losing my cool to the thought of a star
Down the well and up

I wish i can go

-Stella- (08/09/2014)

Fullmoon

Untied to the world
Night is its company
Driving wishes to come true
Engrossed with the universe
Rooting souls to never quit

Tonight I stare
Humming with the wind
Enchanted by the love song it made

Morning to stay behind
Oceans to bow upon you
Own every soul beneath your dim light
Never dark, never obscure

I wish
I pray
I admire

Oh fullmoon
I kneel upon you

-Stella- (08/09/2014)

In Time and Space

Another day I do not wish for
Looking blue
Looking black

Irrational yet as real as the sun

Towards hours I walk
Haunted by rays of moonlight
I know it's you
Not close, not far
Keeps me searching for the star

Anything I do
Bound to say "The world is unfair"
Or "I want to be up in the sky"
Unlike any other
Time and space is the reason

If I only know
Such a thing I wouldn't do

Yet derived by depression
Only comfort I seek
Untied, unbound

Since I found you

-Stella- (7/9/2014)

Of You and You

Instinctive feeling

Made to drive my heart
Interestingly against my will
Secretly towards you
Simply not understandable

Yet tears are there as proof
Of how the heart does
Until I see you

Sounds and pictures
Of you and you

Missing so much, I lost you
Upon a dream I hung myself
Carrying my only prayer
How I want to see you

And I need you and you

-Stella- (7/9/2014)

Memangku Anak Bulan

Dipenuhi tanah
Tangan mencari buah
Berselimut harap
Bersarungkan keyakinan

Ditemani peluh mengisi meja
Dengan hadiah, dengan syukur
Satu malam berlalu
Tuhan masih menemani

Merindu dunia
Bayang-bayang jauh di Bulan
Menutup diri dari sungai
Sungai jauh dari bumi

Para penempa bumi
Mengangkut, menimang anak Bulan
Bagai kancil menjamu singa
Buta namun melihat

Memangku anak Bulan
Di tengah jantung bumi
Bagai kucing menjamu anjing
Takjub akan satu sama lain
Saling tatap, saling tak acuh
Memanggil tanah perantara dunia

-Stella- (7/9/2014)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Mimpi Semata

Berjuta rasa
Berjuta kata
Remukkan hati
Menjadi serpih demi serpih

Kulepas air mata
Jatuh ke dunia
Tak bersahabat
Tak berakhir

Kurelakan sepasang mata
Tertutup karena pedih
Luka mendalam
Sakit tak berbekas

Setitik cahaya tak kentara
Penuh harap
Penuh dosa
Bagi dunia itu dosa

Secercah impian
Penuh cinta
Penuh tawa
Bagi dunia itu musuh

Selarik nada
Penuh rindu
Penuh angan
Bagi dunia itu harus sirna

Begitu tak bersahabat
Begitu mimpi semata

-Stella-

Meeting You Was A Coincidence

Meeting you was a coincidence
Your heart was afar

Looking for you was never a challenge
Until you went and fly away
Chanting my name nowadays
Kicks in my head from thoughts of you
Yards i wish i can make

Chatting as time goes
Harvesting feeling like none before
Asking why along the way
Rescuing a soul about to be depraved
Meeting you was a blessing

And i can only hope
For more as you're here

-Stella-

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Dear, I'm Letting You Go

Simply trying to understand
The meaning of forgetting
The meaning of remembering
The meaning of cherishing
A memory that has been there
And will always be

Lying
To cover up a story
I never wanted to share
I never wanted to acknowledge

Fading
To remove the dark pictures
I always wanted to throw
I always wanted to vanish

Simply trying to understand
The meaning of letting go
The meaning of throwing everything away
The meaning of putting everything far away
A secret that has been there
And will always be

A secret to always hide
A secret to never mention
A secret between you and me
Dear, have we changed
Dear, have we decided
Dear, I'm letting you go

-Stella-

Changing My Blog's Address

Hey~
Since I'm definitely having some changes in life, I kinda want to change my blog's address :D
So I'm gonna wait till about a week and after that, my new blog's address will be
nayticatellamy.blogspot.com

So remember to save my new address!

-Stella-

Menanti Kesempatan

Mencinta langit
Dikala hujan tak terlihat
Mencinta air
Dikala hujan berlimpah

Menatap cakrawala
Tanpa lelah, tanpa letih
Mencari secercah sinar
Menilik seberkas cahaya

Terbalut rintik
Berselimut rindu
Bersemayam dalam dingin
Mencinta gelapnya awan

Tanpa payung untuk berteduh
Tak seorang tuk melindungi
Tak seorang tuk berbagi

Sendiri

Sedu-sedan kan berakhir
Kapan?
Entah
Tak kurasa hujan miliki akhir
Tak kurasa waktu bersahabat

Esok yang kuimpikan
Subuh yang kunanti
Demi mencari belahan jiwa
Tatkala dunia tak mengijinkan
Kugenggam erat dirimu dalam hati
Hati yang merenung
Menanti kesempatan

-Stella-

Back to Blogging

Hey guys,

I think it's been an awfully long time, huh? Yea, figured. Since I haven't been really in the mood to write. I even thought for once that I had lost my passion to write. I know, it was silly. But what can I say? Not everyday someone gets that anxiety and urge to write, moreover a poem :D But I think there's a lot more coming starting today. Since the events happening here in my life are finally starting to get a lot better. And I'm just so grateful :D

You know, one thing I learned just a short time ago, is how love is such an unpredictable and confusing matter. One time you love, the other you don't. Another time you remember, the other you forget. Another time you yearns, the other you despise. So basically it's something i still can't figure out why. Something i still want to find out more about.

Well, just wait for more to come this way. Since i believe that it's finally a great time for me to start blogging again :D It's just perfect.

And enjoy your time here. I hope these poems give you inspiration and power, like how they gave me those :D

-Stella-

Shadow

For years I've loved
For months I've dreamed
For weeks I've cried
For days I've hoped

But your name is all I have
Memories of the old you is all I remember
Your heart is still hidden

Deep inside a village
With people locking themselves in
With angels travelling
Yet giving no care
Yet taking no glance

Only a shadow
A part of my world
The shadow i've always seen
The shadow i've always followed
My own shadow
My shadow who was walking next to you

-Stella-

Mengharap Namun Sirna

Laut yang berbaring tenang
Sunyi tanpa riak
Tanpa pertanda kehiudpan

Pelita berterbangan
Melawan arus
Menembus ombak

Suara mencari getaran
Terhalang dunia
Ditepis angin

Warna menari
Bersuka, bercinta
Melukis, menulis
Mencuri jiwa

Bersemayam diujung malam
Terlindungi, tersembunyi
Tak dikenal, tak diketahui
Bermandi sinar bulan, berbalut bayangan

Berharap jiwa berlalu
Mencari, menemukan
Melihat, menyelamatkan

Tersesat
Mengharap namun sirna
Meminta tanpa balasan

-Stella-

a.k.a.

Read my heart
Inside out
Changed my path
Here and there
Another place
Right accross the ocean
Directly under the sun

a.k.a.

Revealing secrets
Indifferent to treasures
Kind but far
Undivided yet separated
Strong yet broken
Unidentified yet loved

A secret to live with
Short in time
But rich in memories
A secret to keep hidden
To admire and to cherish
Yet to let go and to say farewell
Is all there is to it

a.k.a.

-Stella-

X

A firm grasp of who i am
Levelled up by glances
Enhanced by voices
X as the sign of wrong
Another kiss is stolen
Not one you does not know
Directly through my body
Enters my heart like an open room
Reaches my deepest fears

Asked by your heart
Beyond a firm line
Enterring a new world
Leaving my sorrow

Infinite possibilities

Looking for a future
Only the two of us
Vows over rings
Escaped the world

You took my hand
Over night i dream
United as one

And forever more i wish
And forever more we are
And forever more i will

-Stella-

Unlike The World

Facing our fears
Facing our time
Facing our deaths

Unlike life
they're dark

Unlike the world
they're fair

Fair for their way
Choices are not to be
Questions are not to be asked
Wishes are meant only to break

Escaping
my only wish
broken by a failure

Running away
my only choice
blocked by a wall
made by my own heart

Hiding
my only way
revealed by fear
my own fear

Surrounded by knives
Tempted by 2 stories up
Searching for a way to go
Without pain
Without thoughts
Just peace
and silence

Unlike the world
They're fair
Towards their preys
By their own rules

The Depths of A Secret

Darkness
In unlimited depth
As well as a heart
with unlimited capacity
Has their share of secrets

Unknown by itself
Hidden from others
Concealed from many

Unfairness
In years of living
As well as the world
with its unlimited crimes

Revealed at times
Hated by then
Despised immediately

Yes
I realize
Yes
I know
Of its existence
Yet my conscious
Is all but acknowledging

The depths of a secret
Untouched by conscious
Made by reality
Taken away by life
And unwanted by time and space

-Stella-

Love Asks

Love far away from here
Love stunned by space
Love blocked by time
Love rejected by heart
Love simply asking for understanding
Love simply wanting some affection

"Is it death?"
love asks,
"Or is it merely pain without wounds?"

Life
asking for decision

World
asking for a choice

Heart
seeking for a place to hide

Human
wishing for love to go
waiting for love to come
asking for love to vanish
hoping for love to stay

"Is this normal?"
love asks
"Or is this merely a sin made by human?"

Love
simply asking for directions

-Stella-

Just an Obsession

From afar
From a distance

Just a glimpse
Just a second

All i have
All i can do

Perfectly normal
Though impossible to bear

Completely innocent
Yet filled with lust

Is this love?
Or is this an obsession?

Tickles my senses
Aggravates my heart

Is this love?
Or is this an obsession?

Distant, yet close
Not realizing
Yet our eyes met

How i wish
How i pray
How i want you

-Stella-

A Bit Far to The Northwest

Blinded by fun
Deafened by the music of angels
Numbed by a depict

Still my heart does not know its place
Still my heart yearns for more
Still my heart wishes for the impossible

A bit far to the northwest
Where day is all there is
Where light is all you have

Still my heart prays for another
Still my heart asks for life
Still my heart knows not where to stand

A bit far to the northwest
I can see
I can hear
I can feel

Still i know not where to live
Still i know not which way to take
Still i know not my heart's place

-Stella-

Friday, August 23, 2013

Love, My Dear

Here's one new poem i dedicated for my beloved boyfriend!

Anxiety filled me up
Whenever you revealed your presence

Sincerity I felt
Whenever those brown eyes caught me

Ludricus I became
Whenever your voice jingled in my head
Whenever your face danced in my heart

Was it love
I wondered

But nothing ever came out of my brain
For my body can only say the unspeakable
For my mouth can only tremble as I thought of that fact
For my eyes can only see you in this vacancy
For my ears can only hear what others cannot
For this heart can only feel the unexplainable
“Love, my dear, love has found its way to me,” I thought
“Love, my dear, is asking
Whether or not you can accept it

Accept this love i have raised for you,” I told him.

-Stella-